Bridget Jones: New Diary, Old Habits!
by Graymoon74
Summary: Living and Breathing with Mark Darcy. And other things...
1. Default Chapter

I own nothing of these characters. Although, I seem to be a bit like Jones =) Yet, sadly, have no Mark Darcy. Damn my fate. Will talk about this later with Fairy Godmother.

****

News Bulletin: Fairy Godmother just quit.

Damn my fate!!!

****

Saturday, October 20th

Weight: 135, Cigarettes: 4, Alcohol Units: None yet

****

6:25pm: Hmmmam going to very formal party with Mark Darcy tonight. He requested that I be ready by 6:15. Have looked at watch twice now, but ignored the fact that 6:15 is now 6:30 and I am late. I am to meet him at his apartment, yet I can't seem to find any clean knickers and my bum is feeling like a lead weight. Would walk from said apartment to Mark's without knickers, but my fat arse would surely cause a stir and I would most likely end up on the nightly news as Local Fat Ass'.

****

7:00pm: Found knickers on top of dresser lying behind picture of me and mum. Believe that that is where Mr. Darcy threw them the other night. Passion is so messy sometimes. Hmmm They aren't as dirty as the others that lay in the hamper. Shall put them on, but will make mental note not to do anything with Mark until I take said shower in his apartment. Wouldn't want him to sell me to the local fish market.

****

7:15pm: Got over to Mark's and went inside quickly. Was relieved when he came slowly out of his bedroom, only half-ready. He leaned in and kissed my cheek with scratchy man face and then disappeared back into his bathroom. I was relieved and hungry. Made quick sandwich and scarfed it down while Mark took his time in the bathroom. Realized that ass now felt like a car! Cheese spread sure does seem to spread.

****

8:00pm: Arrived at uppity party. Felt sick as strolled into the room. Everyone turned to look at us and the whispering began. I was sure I would throw up all over beautiful, wood floor. Or just all over a few important people. That way, in passing, they could all have something to tell one another, such as, I was wearing Gucci and Bridget Jone's throw-up last night'. I would be famous for my new fashions of puke covered clothing. Would become millionaire and spend all the money on getting fat arse sucked out. Probably make more millions when fat arse was converted to oil.

****

8:15pm: Natasha arrived just as Mark was letting me stroll over to the bar for a much needed drink. Immediately I felt her eyes on me. Actually, I think I was feeling every eye on me. Eyes on my ass. An ass that seemed to be walking by itself. Maybe, if I stood in one place, fat ass would get hooked up with other fat ass and would leave me. Oh, probably just a dream, but one can dream.

****

8:20pm: Was already on my second drink. Bar tender was very nice. Told me I needed to relax as he poured me another glass of wine. He seemed to be flirting as he looked at my puffy breasts that had major nippleage going on. Wondered, as stood next to bar, was Nippleage a word or was I just drunk already. Would remember to question Mr. Darcy about such word when night was done.

That was if I could still think straight.

****

8:25pm: Just finished second drink when hand could be felt on my back. Turned to see Mark standing there giving the bartender quite a look. Hmmmmust realize that Mark had been stabbed once and probably didn't want to go through that again. Really must try to realize that Mark likes me just the way I am or he wouldn't be taking me to nice parties. Really, really must realize that

"You feel like meeting some people?" was what Mark said, but to me it sounded like this

"Feel like having a bunch of smart people analyze you?"

Hmmmtried to grab the next drink that the bartender handed to me, but Mark pulled me away. I was slowly being led toward a group of four very well dressed women. Also, believed that as I walked toward them one of them slaughtered a young foe. Definitely saw very well dressed woman eating the flesh as she talked to her friends with blood stained teeth. Wondered if I would end up as deer foe. Dead meat in the teeth of these women.

Oh Jesus!

"Ladies, this is Bridget Jones. Genius reporter." He sounded proud of me, yet the women didn't seem to believe his praise.

"Yes, Bridget" one of them said in a rather haughty manner, "what is it you report on?"

"Um" I said as Mark's fingers lightly massaged my back, "well, ummm"

"Never heard of um'." One of them said as the other's snickered a bit, "But I have seen your work. Verynice."

I would rather have been thrown on a bed of nails.

"Yes, very well done. I feel as if you are a celebrity." Another said as she smiled faintly, "Oh" looking over my head, "here comes Natasha."

A bed of nails with razors in between.

Natasha nudged herself into the space between me and one of the other woman, "So all of you have met Darcy's new girl." She smiled lightly at me, but her eyes were wild, "It's as if Mark now has his own personal reporter to follow him around."

I froze. Could it be true? Could Mark only want me because he could get in the papers anytime he needed to. His own personal little reporter who would break a leg just to get to him and his newly won cases.

Mark's hand slid up to my neck and squeezed lightly. He leaned in, "Let me go make this speech and then we can leave."

****

9:00pm: Mark had now situated himself at the front of the room. He was standing in front of a podium. He looked so gathered. So confident. So very serious. Only when he looked down at me did he lighten a tad.

****

10:00pm: Mark was still talking. But I could tell that he was rapping it up.

****

10:30pm: Still at party. Mark was now making rounds again. Being congratulated on his many accomplishments and such. Wonder if he had forgotten about me. I now was five drinks gone and beginning my sixth. But I stopped, with my mouth almost taking in the drink, to listen to someone behind me.

"Yesher name is Bridget. Dreadful girl. Trust me, when Mark is done shagging her a couple of times he will come to his senses and run back to me."

NATASHA! Had to be.

I didn't turn.

****

11:00pm: Mark finally came over to me, his eyes looking worried. Yes I had had too many drinks, but this just meant that he would get fully laid tonight.

Oh God! My knickers. I really must remember to clean myself.

****

11:30pm: Mark had gotten me safely home and into his bed. He was over at his desk, typing away at his computer. I really wanted to go take a shower so that I could seduce him tonight, but, instead, my heavy eyes started to shut. I opened them, but they just wouldn't stay open. Damn wine!

Right before I fell into a dead sleep, I promised myself I wouldn't drink anymore!

Hmm

"Or any less" I whispered as I fell off into my dreams.


	2. Sunday, October 21

No Ownage of characters. And, yes, am very aware that 'ownage' is not a word.

****

Sunday, October 21

Weight: 135, Cigarettes: 1, Alcohol Units: None

****

12:15pm: Just woke up. Grabbed diary as I opened drawer to grab pen. Hmmm…must use one of Mark's pens. Very nice pen. A little heavy. This is good. Will burn calories while I write with very heavy pen.

Mark, of course, has gone to work. He works every Sunday. Not sure I like this idea, but what can I do. Really is the one thing about him that I don't like.

He never has a day off!

****

12:30pm: Have noticed I am wearing one of Mark's shirts. Yum…still smells like him. It is a smart smell. Clean and smart.

Looking further down my body I notice that knickers are gone.

Oh God…wonder what we did last night. Jesus…wonder what I said.

****

1:05pm: Have taken shower which has made me feel sexy. Made sure to shave all the right places. Seemed I was growing a large weed garden in certain area of body.

Poor Mark. Really wonder what he sees in me.

Am now going to make sensible brunch, while reading one of Mark's law books. Must grab dictionary on way to kitchen. Usually end up reading dictionary instead of book.

Bugger!

****

2:00pm: Have found myself staring out window. Do wonder how Mark can read these books. Very boring. Have succeeded in reading one page, but have no bloody idea what it said.

Phone has brought me back to my senses. It seems to be ringing.

"Hello?" I say a bit unsurely. Really don't feel comfortable answering Mark's phone. Very scared it might be one of his annoying friends who really don't like me very much. This is mostly because of what Natasha has told people.

"Bridget?" it is Mark, "How are you?"

Hmmm…feels like he is asking me this question while looking over my head. Or over his phone.

"Fine…um…did we do anything last night?" I worry into the phone.

There is a long, horrible pause where I am sure he is deciding what to tell me.

"No, actually you were talking in your sleep. Said something about your knickers being terribly dirty." There is another long pause, and then, "I took your clothes to be cleaned this morning."

Oh God…just the fact that he took my nasty knickers to the cleaners. I am now very sure that the cleaners will tell Mark to go elsewhere. Probably burn my knickers.

"Oh, thank you." I say, falling ever more deeply in love with him, "Um…are you coming home soon?"

"Five." He says lightly.

"Right." I say, "Okay…um…"

"I love you." He says softly.

"Yes, well, I love you too. Very much really." I say, "I really…"

Click. Hmmm…sometimes he reminds me of a kidnapped man. Natasha holding him at work all day so that I can't spend any time with him at all.

****

5:00pm: Am in bathroom staring at my little face in the mirror. How the hell did I get such awfully white teeth? Really must look at mum and dads teeth to see if it runs in the family. Strange thing teeth are really.

Knock on door startles me out of my teeth wondering session. I open door to see Mark standing there with roses. He smiles lightly.

"For me?" I ask lightly.

"No." he says in his very serious way, "I just thought I would show them to you. Now I will go give them to my other girlfriend."

Very smart assed man really.

"Oh," I shrug, "that's fine. Hopefully she will be horribly jealous that I saw them first."

"Yes," he says with a small smile on his lips, "um…I suppose it wouldn't hurt if you were to keep them here. Maybe she can come by and look at them."

I smile and kiss his lips, "That is a very good idea sir."

****

6:10pm: Am in kitchen with very fine cook. He is cooking and I am writing in this diary. He looks at what I am writing.

"Are you writing about what a handsome devil I am?" he asks, "Dashing smile and such."

"Um…no. Am writing about what a complete ego maniac you are."

He is making spaghetti with those lovely hands of his. Those hands make me feel so well protected. But, as if in some sort of horrible time warp, those hands could also hurt me. Must stop watching serial killer shows. Hmmm…hope he isn't reading this over my shoulder.

Still, must ask him…

"Are you a serial killer, Mr. Darcy?" I ask. He gives me a look as he is mixing the sauce.

"What?"

"Well, I just want to be prepared. I mean, if you mean to kill me I really want to know. See," I thoughtfully pull my legs up onto the chair, "your really very nice and perfect. So, I was watching this show the other night and this guy on there was very wonderful and then he killed his wife. When will you be killing me? I really must prepare."

He is shaking his head. Must think I am mad.

"Actually, I was thinking of killing you tonight. May strangle you with spaghetti." He eyes me lightly, "Or did you have a better idea?"

I think about it, "Well, around what time will this occur? I mean, I really must look my best if I am to be murdered tonight."

He is now leaned over in the fridge. Must say that he has a fantastic ass. Really want to get up…

"Nine-ish…wouldn't want to ruin dinner." He says as he pulls wine from the door.

"That's a good time. I'll go for that. Just don't let me become a 'Cold Case File'. I mean, don't get caught or anything, but…well…just don't let me end up on that show."

"Yes, well, you would look very skeletal and all. Wouldn't be very sexy I suppose." He is now pouring us a drink.

Hands me drink as he smiles lightly at me. Do wonder if he has every looked at any other woman the way that he looks at me.

"Cheers." I say and then drink it down like some sort of drunken asshole.

****

9:30pm: Only had that one drink tonight. Very well done. I must remember to pat myself on the back soon.

Mark is in shower. He said that he would postpone killing me tonight because the spaghetti wasn't the right kind. Must remember to remind him to buy the thicker type next time. Must avoid angel hair thin stuff.

Serial killer has just come out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. He has on his very serious looking pajamas. They are blue, with white stripes. Sort of like a pin-stripped suit. Anyway…who cares. He looks dashing as always.

"Reading my law books again?" he quires as I thump my pen on the open pages of his book, "Find anything interesting?"

"Actually," I say, and make a note to myself to buy some glasses. That way…will look smarter while reading his books, "I am very interested in this one. Seems that I didn't have to use the dictionary as much."

"Oh?" he looks amused, "Which one is it?"

"Um…" haven't really looked at the title, must remember to write these title's down so as I won't look like complete ass when said love interest asks very important questions, "this." I lift the book up and show him the cover.

"Right, well…" he gets into bed, "that one is my favorite."

He throws said favorite book on floor.

"Yes, I can see that is your favorite book."

His hands are now touching all the right places. Must censor this part of the day. But, in time, will think about it much.

Serial killers shouldn't have such wonderful hands.


	3. Monday, October 22

Still no ownership of said characters. Trust me…said characters would take no ownership of me either!

Monday, October 22

Weight: Not weighing myself this morning, Cigarettes: 2, Alcohol: 0 (But just woke up)

5:30am: Woke up feeling very sexy. Dressed in Mark's pj top from the night before. Bottom feels wonderful against his silk sheets. Really must get better job so as I can buy silk sheets for my apartment.

Ugh…not feeling…

8:00am: Have now thrown up three times. Hmmm…Jesus…hearing the soft padding of little feet.

Eating the end of pencil as I stare off into the thin air of the office. Notice bosses nose hairs as he stares down at me.

"Are we working or dreaming of working?" he asks me.

Really a big ass sometimes.

"Sorry…" I get back to work.

12:00pm: Mark is here to pick me up for lunch. I would love to just have him for lunch, but trying to cut back.

"You're awfully quiet today." He says as he eyes me, "Is everything okay?"

I feel somewhat flattened by his look.

"Fine." I say as I eat his pickle off his plate. He really doesn't like pickles.

"Right." He says as he eats his hamburger.

I want to ask him about children and such, but my tongue seems stuck to the roof of my mouth.

"What if I am pregnant?" I finally ask.

He seems to falter somehow. He takes a bigger bite of his sandwich.

"I threw up three times this morning." I say, stuffing a fry in my mouth, "Or maybe it is just food poisoning."

"Right. Food poisoning." He wipes his mouth and gets up from the table. He kisses my cheek and then leaves.

Oh Jesus…I think I just lost him.

5:00pm: Have not heard from Mark all day. Usually my lover will call me at about 3pm just to see how I am and to hear my voice. No call today. Nothing.

5:30pm: Home. No Mark. He usually works late on Mondays. Do wonder if I will ever hear from him again.

6:30pm: Wonder if he is home. Wonder if he is sitting at computer looking up new jobs that will take him hundreds of miles away from me.

9:00pm: Feel certain that I will now die alone. Have not heard one word from Mark. Very depressed. Have eaten almost the whole refrigerator. Actually, the refrigerator is starting to look good too. Maybe will eat the fridge.

9:11pm (Going, in two seconds on 9:12): Feeling sick as hell. Miss Mark so much that I just may die without him.

Doorbell! Doorbell! Have sinking feeling, and guilty feeling for sinking feeling, that it may just be friends.

9:15pm: Mark stands at door.

"I figured you might need this book. I mean…my law books hardly explain anything as complicated as children." He hands me 'What to Expect when you are expecting'.

I feel relieved, but scared. He doesn't come in.

"I understand if you want to break it off." I shrug, "I mean…I'm sure I can find…"

He steps up to me, kisses me lightly. Deeper. God he smells good. Clean. Smart.

He slides his hands down around my bum, picking me up slowly so that now I can feel just how much he wants me.

He carries me into my home.

"You know," I say as he carries me up to my bedroom, "when I am fat and pregnant you won't be able to carry me around like this."

He presses me into a wall and unbuttons my blouse.

God he feels good.

I think he is biting the skin on my neck.

"I didn't know you transformed into a vampire? I'm type A, you know? Not the tastiest blood type." I say as his lips brush past my own.

"Sorry I left you today like I did." He kisses me more passionately, making me almost whimper.

Then the fucking phone rings.

10:05pm: Mother is still raving like lunatic. Wonder if I could do Mark while on phone with mother. That would be multi-tasking a bit.

10:33pm: Am now giving Mark a massage. He is at his laptop, typing up something for work. Mother is still talking nonstop about something that one of her friends told her. Something about getting married before…

She is giggling…

Oh God…

Wonder what her and dad are up to at other end of the line.

"I'll talk to you later, mum." I say as she goes into fits of giggles.

Jesus…my mum is a fucking lunatic.

11:02pm: Mark pulled me onto lap, moved me to dresser top…benefits of a tall man…and then took care of the rest on my bed.

Wonder why I say, 'Oh God…' so much while he works at it. Would think God would be quite alarmed. Should say 'Mark', but that seems stupid. I mean…if I were in bed with three men, then saying 'Mark' would be good thing so that out of the three they would know which one was giving me this pleasure. But, with one man, why say his name?

Never been in bed with three. Oh Jesus…here he is working so hard at it, and doing very well, and I am thinking about two other men. Really wonder what he would think?

Well…um…who cares!


	4. Friday, October 26

Only wish that I could own these characters.

****

Friday, October 26

Weight: 131 (Think Mark is helping with this number), Cigarettes: 13, Alcohol: 2 Units

****

6:15pm: Feel like total ass. Am tired and bored. And not pregnant, Thank God! Oh…I mean, I don't mean I don't want to have Mark Darcy's child! I just mean I don't want his child right now. Right? Oh, that didn't sound right either.

Bugger!

****

6:45pm: Opened door to find Jude, Shazzer and Tom standing there grinning at me. Hmmm…wasn't expecting them. Maybe should read book that Mark gave me. Maybe 'What to expect when you are expecting' could tell me about how to expect friends when you are not expecting them.

Bugger!

****

7:00pm: Thank God all of us have our relationships. Jude and Vile Richard. Shazzer and…Oh Jesus…forgot his name. Must listen tonight and figure out his fuckin' name. Tom and that ass Jerome.

****

8:00pm: Third glass of wine…am being pushed to the front door where Mark Darcy is calling for me. He looks apprehensive. I think my friends scare the shit out of him. Especially Shazzer with her 'f' this and 'f' that business.

"I suppose your posse is here?" he asked as he settled his lips onto my cheek.

"Yes, well, um…"

He was taking off his coat, "How many times has Shazzer said the 'f' word?"

"Too many to count." I said as he grabbed me and pulled me to him. The kiss was very warm, causing me to grab onto him tightly. But, before things could get any hotter, something fell upstairs.

Shit!

This was Mark's home. I couldn't have my friends screwing up his lovely furniture and such. Bunch of monkey asses.

Mark was first to run up the stairs. I followed praying to Jesus that they hadn't broken anything too expensive.

****

9:00pm: Friends have gone home leaving me feeling like the bad child who, as Mark puts it, needs a spanking.

They broke a precious crystal figure that his mum had given to him for Christmas one year. Shit and double shit when I found out it was a limited addition piece. So much for my friends coming to play ever again.

10:15pm: Mark is in shower. I am at sink, cleaning the dirty dishes from the day before. Must start cleaning the dishes as I put them in the sink. That would probably be a good idea.

Feeling pretty good. Tingly. Thank God there is no more wine to drink.

****

10:30pm: Mark is saying something to me from the upstairs.

"Are you washing dishes?" Sort of harshness to his…

Oh bugger!

"Sorry."

Have forgotten that turning on water usually takes from water elsewhere.

****

11:00pm: Am now on phone with his mum. Explaining broken figure. Mark eyes me as he comes into the kitchen.

His mum is very nice about it. Then she tells me that she is glad I called. She wants Mark and I over for dinner the following night.

****

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT:

6:00pm: The parents home. Me, in a very nice black dress that Mark has tried to remove twice now, feeling very nervous.

After door opens, my nervousness triples. Natasha is standing there staring at me.

This is one of those…huh…moments.

"I really must talk to you Mark." Is all Natasha says as she steps out onto the porch.

"Go in, I'll be with you in a moment." He says to me as Natasha takes his arm and guides him down the steps.

I feel as if I am being sucked into a war zone.

****

7:15pm: Okay, where the fuck is Mark Darcy. His mum and I have been floating around the house looking at all sorts of expensive objects. Lovely rooms, lovely…

Mark!

Out in the yard with Natasha still. His mum is showing me her pearl collection, but my eyes are on Mr. Darcy.

****

7:35pm: They are coming back inside. Natasha says her good-byes as I eye her skeptically.

What had her and Mark been talking about for an hour and a half?

Jesus!

****

8:00pm: Sitting down to eat. His mum seems as interested as I am in what is going on.

"So, what is it Mark? What was so important that Natasha had to steal you from us for an hour?

"And a half." I added.

He looked at me, clearing his throat, "Work. The case. Nothing more."

He eyed me.

"Right." I said as he would have said if he were in my shoes.

Wasn't going to be jealous of this shit. They were business partners. Nothing more.

Right?


	5. Wednesday, October 31

Tried to buy charactersHelen Fielding told me to bugger off!!!

****

Wednesday, October 31

6:00pm: HmmmHalloween night. Have already handed out two handfuls of candy. V. cute little buggers came to door, making me wonder about how many I'd like to pop out. Although, would have to worry about which brain they would get. Would they get minethe not so smart one, but very relationship friendly one, or Mark'sthe unbelievably brilliant brain mixed with the concept of being very serious. Plus, another downside to Mark's personality is that he has very good potential to turn out to be very vicious serial killer.

So, probably a mixed batch, which means the kid's would be total lunatics.

****

6:30pm: Have now eaten two handfuls of candy. V. bad of me. What would Mark say? Doorbell is ringing again.

Bugger!

Oh, v. cute. A witch and a ghost. V. cute. Give them extra candy. When look up, Mark is standing behind them. A puzzled look on his face. A very serious, puzzled look, for Mark is never puzzled without looking serious.

He eyes the children as they rush past him. And then, as if I don't notice this, he eyes me. Can see slight worry bug in his eyes.

Forget that Mark has probably never handed out candy to children. Would almost hope not. Would be pedophile strange and worrisome of him to do such a thing.

Hmmfive children push past handsome Mark. He steps back, watching them as if they are strange alien beings.

I have to comment on each outfit, as I know that they are all v. proud of their attire. They laugh and giggle and get on their way.

****

7:00pm: Half an hour passes with me giving out candy and Mark standing there watching. Now he is stepping up to me, looking all serious and extremely sexy in his black suit.

"What do I get?" he asks me as he gently pushes me back into his home.

"Umm." I say rather faintly as his hands tighten on my waist, "lots of candy."

"Surely I get something a bit more worthwhile than a handful of candy." He is brushing his lips past my own, "Maybe something a tad more exciting?"

Was about to answer him with v. naughty suggestion, when doorbell rang again.

****

8:30pm: Still at front door. Mark is on phone with client. Has been on phone since doorbell rang. V. naughty suggestion has been put on hold.

Question asking self:

Where in the hell did all these little children come from?

Can just imagine strange, magical bus dropping all of them off here, right in front of Mark's door.

UmmMark just whispered into my hair what he would like to do to me tonight. V. multi-tasked is he as he gets right back to his conversation on the phone.

Mr. Darcy is extremely horny. Can tell. He should be, since he has been working non-stop for the last three days, with hardly anytime for me. He hasn't touched me in four days. Sunday through Wednesday. V. busy and important is Mr. Darcy.

****

9:05pm: Mark is putting on his coat and scarf. Huh

"Have to go out for just a second." He says to me as he kisses my forehead. Umdon't really cherish the forehead kiss. Seems almost as if I am his child when he does that.

Have fleeting idea that he may be going out for quick shag with some lonely woman. Want to tell him that lately I have been feeling like said lonely woman.

He is gone. Watch him leave as I hand out more candy to Spiderman, Superman and Wonder Woman.

Am giving candy to Superhero's as my superhero leaves me.

Bugger!

****

11:03pm: Mark still isn't home. Am now on my fifth Reese's cup. Must stop myself. Will smell like a chocolate whore when Mark gets home.

****

12pm: Hmmmsecond glass of wine. Watching v. scary movie. Feel very sick from chocolate.

Have now checked front door five times just to make sure of lockage. V. afraid that mass murderer may be waiting for me on other side. Mass murderer with dictionary. Can see him showing me that the word lockage' is not in dictionary as he lops off my head.

Hand is on door as I feel it move. V. hard hold on doorknob. Will keep mass murderer on outside.

"Bridget, let go of the door." Says Mark as I jump back in relief.

He walks in with strange look on face, "Why in God's name were you holding the door like that?"

"I thought you were a mass murderer." I tell him, as the look on his face gets a bit deeper with worry, "You never know. Could be."

Find myself searching his collar and neck for lipstick signs.

"Well," he says as he takes off his coat, "haven't murdered anyone in quite awhile, but" he steps up to me with his black gloves still on his hands, "I could go for a quickie." He puts his hands on my throat.

Then he kisses me very softly, his thumbs sliding up my neck

Those very serious lips press my lips a bit harder, his chin rough against my own. Oh Godhe holds all this tension in and then

"You have lovely skin for a woman who is about to be murdered." Says Darcy.

I shiver, "Umm"

"May have to ravage you." he says as he kisses my neck, "Over and over again until you are a good girl." Hot and urgent breath against my throat, "Not a bad girl who gives out candy to small children in the middle of the night."

"Had no choice." I say as his mouth lingers on my neck, "Little buggers just kept coming."

"Then" he says warmly against my neck, as he pushes me into the wall, "will have to get them arrested. Can't have my girl bothered with insane infantile's. Can I?"

Oh JesusI think he just licked my neck.

"Umm" Have to say that Mark Darcy, even though he is highly intelligent and sophisticated, he is still horny shit.

Ummv. nice.

"We're having dinner at The Pablo on Friday night." He says into my ear as he sucks my earlobe.

Hmmmthat ruined the moment.

"But" I say as I gently push him away, "we have that Halloween Party that night. Remember?"

"We can go to the Halloween party after The Pablo." He says with a half grin on his lips, "You look so panicked."

I pull away and sit on the stairs; "I am panicked. What time is The Pablo dinner?"

"Sevenish." He says as he is loosening his tie.

"I hate that ish' thing. Sounds solawyerish."

He is grinning lightly again; "We can be at the Halloween bash by nine."

"What about the costumes?"

"We'll have time to change." He is now walking up the steps, his hand outstretched to me. I feel like a child again. Jesus! "It'll be fine."

Not so sure of the fine' part. The Pablo means all of his lawyerly friends will be there. Especially Natasha.

Ugh

Getting into his bed. Satin sheets and

Shit! Just slid off bed. Look up to see Mark leaning over the bed looking at me.

He helps me back up. My bum now bruised and broken.

He smells good

Then I sit bolt upright, our heads smacking together.

"Do I taste like a chocolate tart?" I say in a very panicked tone.

He is rubbing his head, "Bridgewhat in God's name are you talking about?"

"Just need to brush my teeth." I rush off to the bathroom.

Mark is lying on the bed on his back when I return. He doesn't look at me.

"Did you find your mind in the bathroom?" he says softly, "Or did you flush it down the toilet?"

He is being rather shitty. Don't really like his tone of voice.

"Just want to smell nice." I say as I climb back into his bed.

"Yes, well" he looks at me, "you always smell fine."

"Not like chocolate?"

"Actually," he turns off his cell phone, placing it behind himself on the nightstand, "you smell like children. Nasty, little, naughty children."

Judging by where his hand is going

He is the nasty child!

But I don't mind.


	6. Friday, November 2

Sign reads: NO OWNERSHIP OF SAID CHARACTERS!

Now for the Shout Outs! One must always thank the faithful reviewers…

VESICA: Please don't call my writing wonderful…I know as well as you that you a far better writer than I. And, please, tell your muse to hurry up with the nails…I am starving for some good stuff. Thanks for the reviews!!!

JH: Sorry…I am an arse…Yikes!!!

RIKU'S HEARTLESS ANGEL: You know I love you to death for following all my stuff. You and Vesica Rock! Thanks for reviewing.

CLOVER BRANDYBUCK: Glad you likey. I very much appreciate the reviews.

ERICA DAWN: I want a third also. With loads of Mark. Thanks for the reviews )

DRAMABABE: Thanks for the love.

NICKY007: Thanks for the nudge of like. Ugh…am I ready to finish LXG!!! The horror…the anguish…the fact that I haven't touched that story in forever! Trust me…I shall finish it soon. Thanks so much for the review )

JOSSE: Thanks so much for the wonderful…I need a nudge or two.

SHALINE: Here be the update. Thanks for reviewing )

DRAMABABE18: Thanks )

MILLY612: Don't believe I am as good as Fielding, but so much thanks for you thinking so.

HEIDI: You should write a fic. Just your review is v Bridgetish…Thanks for reviewing )

BIGAMY BOB: Thanks…Colin Firth is rather yummy isn't he…I will try to add a sprinkle of Daniel. Gah…don't like him!!! Thanks so much for reviewing.

XANYA-FOREVER: Awe…I give you the award for nicest review. Thanks so much, so much, so much )

SOFIA: Here I go…thanks for reviewing!!!

AFAN17: I will try a wedding maybe. I don't know. Maybe. Anyway, mucho thanks for review. Very nice of you.

**You guys rock**.

Now…on with the show…

Friday, November 4 

135 lbs, boyfriends with wonderful hands 1, shags or simi-shags 3, Calories (Really disgusting, but does boyfriend eating breakfast in bed, plus me kissing boyfriend with buttery lips, equal calories? I didn't eat thing, just tasted butter on his lips and tongue. Oh…gahhh..really gross.) 50, Calories used by shag session in the morning…all 50 plus a –50 (V. good start to day)

**8:30 a.m. **Okay. Mark is in shower and I am getting dressed for day. Am looking fantastic. Rosy cheeks, shaky legs…feel like absolute whore…and loving it. Putting on make-up and trying not to smile like Cheshire cat.

**8:45 a.m**. Mark now out of shower. His wet body pressed against mine. Feel v. nice as he tightens his strong arms around my waist. Hoping his pressing arms into stomach will reduce fat roll there. Hmmm…probably not.

Um…he is nibbling my ear. Scratchy man face lingering down my neck. He bites ever so sweetly and sucks skin there…

Really must not have hicci. Is very highschoolish and boss will wonder.

"I'll miss you." He says v. quietly in my ear.

Do want another go at it. Shit…

**9:00 a.m**. At work early. For once. Believe that boss almost shit himself when coming in and seeing me sitting in said chair. Actually, would love to see boss crap his pants. Rather assy sort of chap…really. Do think…even though fat and attached…boss wants a romp with me. Especially since I look rather professional and…

**10:00 a.m. **Banging. Shouting. Boss standing in middle of room. Looking at me. Shouting at me. Bugger! Seemed to have lost one hour of day. Seemed to have been trapped in some sort of time warp. Must make note to revisit time warp when not at work. Maybe when walking to work or on…

**10:30 a.m.** Bugger! Lost in warp once again…

**11:00 a.m. **Lovely. Get to go interview pig farmer. Feeling v. thin today, but betting will feel very fat by end of day.

**Noon: **Pig farmer's home. He greets me at door, snout of pig in his hand. (Pause moment here in diary in order to puke and reconsider my job) He hands me snout and begins his voyage back into his home.

Home smells like blood. Maybe will reconsider job as vampire. Or, maybe, he is vampire.

Maybe will reconsider job as human being and become ass as this man is.

Interview does not go well. I consider pigs to be pets and not something to kill. Farmer does not agree as he slices meat in front of me. Hmm…would love to chop up farmer and feed him to pigs. V. unfortunate thought pattern…makes me worry that I may be serial killer in disguise.

Shit…and double shit! Time warp got me once again. Had camera man smack me in head so I could get back to interview.

V. hard to keep my lunch down as farmer hands me head of pig and tells me to throw it behind me in the bin.

Hmmm…really want to quit job.

**2:00 p.m. **Left his home quickly, walked straight over to fenced in pigs, opened gate. They happily oinked their way out of their prison and over the hill. Except for one little one. It hobbled out and then back in. Turned in horror to see farmer coming at me with pitchfork. Checked quickly to make sure camera man was getting this on tape so as…when farmer kills me…my death will be recorded. Nicely done. Would pat self on back later.

Little pig was now in pen, his nose digging into his food.

Quickly, without thinking, picked up messy, little pig and ran. Camera man ran behind me screaming for me to drop the pig.

Was big mess scary mess. Thinking, may not have occupation in morning. Thinking, may move to China and become Ninja master.

Thinking, certain things in my large bag are getting rather heavy and noisy.

**6:00 p.m. **Am home now. My home. Getting ready for Pablo. Really must start doing laundry right away when clothes are dirty. Just realized have no clean dresses for important, lawerly meal. Shit and double shit for not checking this morning. But, must give self a bit of slack…was at Marks…didn't know state of dirty clothing. Maybe will call home next time and ask clothing if all is well. Maybe will call institution first.

**6:15 p.m.** Have figured out what I shall do. Will wear Halloween costume to Pablos. All I have to do is make it look attractive and then I can fidget with it on way to party. Afterall, Pablos is very laid back restaurant with plenty of weird-o's to go around. Not a place for lawyerly folks, but realize because of Halloween, maybe they are stepping it up a notch. V. respectable of lawyerly crowd.

Hmmm…mirror is saying that I look like a whore. Supposed to look like sexy pirate girl.

Hmmm…some high heels, black tights, no eyepatch…this may work afterall.

**6:30 p.m. **Still looking a bit piratey. Maybe because the pants are a bit billowy and the shirt is stripy. Gah…

Oh well…don't have choice. Will try to wear it as if it is fashion statement. Glamorous Pirate Queen.

Glamorous pirate queen with oinky pink pig rummaging through dirty clothes. Do wonder what pigs eat? Will have to consult library or friends.

**7:00 p.m. **Oh Holy Jesus…

Have only ever ridden to Pablo in Taxi's, but mostly already half toasted. Told taxi what street it was on, but this isn't the Pablos that I know of. This Pablo's is punctuated.

Leave it to the lawyerly people to pick a punctuated restaurant.

Buggerrrrrrrrrr!!!

Met Mark in lobby of Pablo's only to get a 'What in God's name are you wearing?'

Not exactly v. charming of him.

Tell him about dirty laundry and not wanting to smell like fat pig.

"You look like a pirate whore!" he exclaims just as Natasha walks into the restaurant. She is dressed for this occasion, as is Mark and everyone else who walks into the restaurant.

Mark takes off his coat, handing it to me, "Put this on." He says as he helps me into it. Oh…v. nice. Too long everywhere. Look like complete asre. As if I am child trying on daddy's coat.

Walk to table with coat dragging behind me like train of wedding dress. People are staring.

Mark helps me sit.

Do have to roll up arms of coat as not to dip the ends in my dinner. A dinner that he so lovingly orders for me.

One good thing about coat is that it smells like him.

**7:30 p.m. **Have eaten. Now feel like bloated balloon girl. Feel as if have filled out coat and will float away soon.

"I enjoyed your pig story." Says Natasha from where she is seated beside her date, "It was very…heroic."

"Yes, well, it's not everyday that one can save a pig."

"Well, Mark seems to like saving them." Says Natasha.

One point for her. V. well done of her.

Mark, of course, is acting as if he is totally engrossed in some conversation down the table that doesn't even concern him. I want to kick his leg and punch Natasha in the head.

**8:02 p.m. **Notice the time, because that is all I can do most of the night. Check and recheck my watch. Darcy hasn't looked at his once.

I reach over and gently squeeze his leg.

This tactic does not work. Could squeeze something else, but am not feeling that frisky.

**8:30 p.m. **Ah…here goes another assault by Natasha. She is in rare form tonight.

"So Bridget, where is that little piggy that you ran off with?" she says as she sips some wine, "I mean, we all know where Mark's pig is…"

Then it happened…

Mark turned to Natasha, his mouth set in a firm position on his stern face, "That's enough." He remarked as he stared at her, "We don't have to be partners forever, you know?"

Hurrah…victory is mine!

"I was only kidding around." She said with that nervously fake little flutter of her head, "Bridge knows I only kid."

Patted Mark's leg in appreciation. He squeezed my hand and got on with his conversation at the other end of the table.

Was feeling as if table were dividing and shifting away from me. Conversation was over my head. Slowly was being sucked into rabbit hole.

Maybe would meet Alice in order to take care of awful Queen. Most likely, in my wonderland, Queen would look like Natasha.

"Off with her…"

Mark was saying my name. Sounded like he was way up at the top of the rabbit hole screaming down to me in dreamy voice.

"Bridget, really…" Mark's voice again.

"Right." I stood up too quickly, knocking over wine on Mark's coat.

"Oh Shit!" said me in lovely, loud voice.

"Come…" he said as he wisked me out of the restaurant, "no worries."

"Oh God Mark…" I was absolutely mortified, "will that come out. I've heard it's very hard to get out."

He pushed me up against car and kissed me long and hard.

"No worries." He said again as he took the coat off me, throwing it into the backseat of the car.

"But, really…"

"We don't want to be late." He said, hurrying over to his side of the car.

Am still worrying about his coat. Is very expensive coat. Is very large stain.

**9:00 p.m. **Arrive at Shazzes apartment. Greeted by Shaz at door. Darcy disappearing into the bathroom to dress for party. Really has been v. nice tonight. Really wonder when he will break it off with me.

**9:15 p.m. **Hmmm…wonder if Mark is okay. May have to go find him.

Just about to turn when…hands on eyes…

"Mark?" I say.

"You must not laugh." He whispers in my ear.

He looks smashing. Eye patch over eye, sword in hand. V. sexy.

"Un gar." He says lightly, "Or something in that manner of speech."

V. lawyerly of him.

"Un gar yourself." I say very stupidily as I am taken into his arms. He hugs me and kisses me. Have very flushed face when turning back to my audience of friends. All of them smiling at me as if they have all gone mad.

All is v. nice until the dreaded Lucinda shows up. Her and her absolutely fake breasts! And fake laugh!

Mark eyes her as she enters. As does every man in the room.

Can also feel, as Mark's body is still pressed against mine, erection coming on. Know it is directed at Lucinda as if it is great throbbing arrow. Really want to break that arrow as of now.

She makes her way over, smiling at everyone. Her tight body sucked in even more by the cat woman outfit she is painted with. Can see major nipplage. Want to smack her.

"Bridget…is that you?" absolutely devastating country accent. She hales from Georgia. Want to ask her if she might wish to get back to the plantation soon.

"Lucinda." I say as I lean more into Mark, my hands pulling him closer to me. Hopefully my lock grip will keep him from falling over me and being consumed by her breasts. I almost feel as if she should be introducing them also.

Jesus…

Do think she used the last millionaire for another boob job.

"And who is this?" she asks as she reaches up to cup Mark's face in her hand. She smells like cheap perfume and cigarettes. Wonder if I have anything pointy that I could poke her balloons with.

"Mark." He says dryly as he steps away from her.

"Aren't you the handsome fellow." She says as she steps back, "And I thought Bridget was a lesbian. That just surprises the hell outta me."

"Yes, well, I've been trying." I say. Mark gently squeezes me tighter to himself and breathes into my hair. I do love this man.

"Bridget has been testing the waters. Just waiting for me to come along." He says softly, "Looks like you could stay afloat in the water for a long time with those."

Hurrah…victory for Mark.

Point off for Lucinda agreeing and laughing with Mark.

Gahhhhh…she is too vibrant. Annoying. Like holiday Christmas tree that has been kept up for way too long.

**10:00 p.m. **Marks home. Really didn't last too long at Shaz's as Lucinda seemed to be making more and more of pass at Mark.

Really feel like ass as was very worried about big breasted bitty taking Mark for more than just a ride.

**10:15 p.m. **Okay…so Mark is in shower and I am in victory game against dumbfuck on computer. Really, am dumbfuck trying to act smart. Really must show Mark that I am top game winner.

He is in shower…thank God.

Other player of Scrabble has already used all letters in order to make terrific, horrible score. Am destined to suck at this.

C-A-T…is what I spell.

**10:30 p.m. **Mark just stopped shower. Now he is in bedroom. Behind me. Massaging my shoulders. V. nice of him.

"VICTORY." He says as his thumbs dig into the back of my neck. Wonderful massager is Mark.

"Yes…" I say as I study my letters, "Victory is yours."

"No." he says as he leans over me to point at 'V' on screen, "V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!"

Oh shit. He is helping.

Put in word and get closer to other player's score.

Bugger…

Mark is v. good at everything!

**11:00 p.m. **Have now finished game and won. Damn Mark for helping me. Now feel like complete…

Um…he is brushing hair back from neck, kissing neck.

Sucking neck…

My mouth meets his…

Really shouldn't be ending every diary insert with sex.

Bugger…

Ummmmmm…

Really must go back to Church sooner than later.


	7. Saturday, November 5

Sorry this took so long!!!

**Saturday, November 5th**

5 Cigarettes, 1 Alcohol unit (mum called so vodka shot jumped into hand), 135 lbs

**7:15 am **Phone rings. Is mum. Says she needs me over right away because dad has gone mad. Find hard to believe as usually it is mum who is right mad. Like Mad Hatter in Wonderland. Always having tea. Do wonder if tea is cause of madness. Does sound rightly so to me as mum is always having tea with not so sane friends.

Mark wakes, turns over to look at me, "What's going on?" he asks as I eye v. sexy man chest.

Watch, almost in slow motion, as Mark puts hand through his mop of black hair, his eyes going quickly to the clock, his mouth never leaving it's stern position on his face.

"Bridget." Mark says. Notice now that he is leaned into his pillow with his elbows, staring at me. Looks as if has been in this poise for a few moments.

Must have lost a minute or two in trance.

"Mum." I say quickly with a shake of my head. Really must stop going into daydreams.

"Right." Says Mark as collapses back into sleep poise.

Stare at head of hair for moment and wish could have hands there or just nose.

Mark always smells so good.

Suppose, as mum goes on about something on the phone, smelling that good is just one of the great benefits of being v. wealthy.

Plus, suppose his water is made of something different. Maybe fairy magic water. Thought I might have seen tiny fairy fluttering in his bathroom days ago. But, in all fairness to fairy world, could have been in daydream.

Thank God did not stick head in toilet thinking was rabbit hole.

Would be v. bad for Mark to find me with head stuck in his toilet.

Not so fabulous and sexy.

**10:00 am **Mum and dad's. Feel a bit scared of going in as mum had sounded on verge of breakdown. Maybe will find her zapped out on kitchen table, with smoke coming out of ears like scary robot.

**10:15 am** Done with fourth cigarette. Ready to do battle with the crazed parents. Walk into home only to hear dramatic sobbing coming from the kitchen.

Gah…

Mum suddenly in doorway, one eye twitching like mad doll.

"Bridget!" says mum while blowing nose and waving hands in front of face insanely.

"Mum." I say as dad comes from behind and hugs me tightly.

"He's having an affair." Says mum as she points at dad. As if her pointing will rule out all the other invisible men in the house.

Oh God…

"It was only a tiny kiss." Says dad as he goes over to mum, "Come on Pam, I didn't mean it."

"You did." Says mum as she backs back into the kitchen still waving her hands as if to ward off dad's affair.

**10:55am** Phone rings. Is Mark. Duck into pantry quickly.

"Dare I ask?" he says teasingly.

"Hmmm…yes…" I say as pull door tight. Mum and dad on other side trying to get in, "Dad seems to have had a date and a kiss with a woman from Church." Pull door tighter, loose grip and fall into shelves. A couple cans fall on me.

"Bridget!" says Mark almost in alarm, "Are you okay?"

"Fine." I say quickly as mum and dad rush into pantry.

"You must be on a side." Says mum as if am in some sort of match between them.

"Suppose I will see you at midnight." Says Mark almost tiredly, "Best of luck."

"Thanks." I say as mum wildly grabs for phone.

**12:15 pm** Out of pantry. Bruise on back pulsating. Mark off phone as mum hung up on him.

Both parents are sitting at the small kitchen table.

Dad looking at mum in tired stare.

Mum still sobbing.

"Mum," I start rather delicately," you have had a few affairs so I don't think it is really that fair for you to act this way."

"Yes Pam." Says dad, "maybe I get lonely too and maybe Greta was lonely. I couldn't help it, really."

"So," I say very carefully as not to start her crying hysterically again," maybe this is an even affair between you two now."

Maybe I should be counselor. Be v. good at it and save people tons of money. Be v. popular and helpful like Mark.

Picture self in little suit, sitting cross legged with pen in mouth. Would be v. smart looking.

Mum, eye twitching again, says, "So your on his sideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." Of course, the 'side' part being the part where she begins her weeping again.

V. annoying. Will not become counselor.

**2:00 pm** Out of mum and dads home. Thank God. Mum is too much. Really thinking about drinking a whole bottle of wine by self.

**3:00 pm** Arrive at Mark's home with large grocery bag and two bottles of cheap wine.

Suddenly am bombarded with microphones in face as if big celebrity caught in the act of shopping.

All sorts of questions hailed at me. Feel glamorous and confused at same time. Must look like deer in headlights.

"Are you Mr. Darcy's maid?" says one reporter as four microphones push at my lips. Am a bit peeved by being looked upon as frumpy maid. Maybe am not so glamorous after all.

Another reporter, "Can you talk about the case Mr. Darcy is now handling?"

Turn to see Mark come out of home, suit and tie on, over to me. Like professional superhero.

"Whatever questions you have please direct them at me." He says as he shields me from the microphones and questions.

Back quickly into his home as if microphones are still coming after me.

Have glass of wine in hand when Mark comes back inside.

**4:00 pm **Mark loosens his tie and seats himself in irritated heap on his leather couch.

"The case." He says as he takes off his tie, "How did things go with your mum and dad?"

"Oh," say as slide in next to him on couch, "not so well. Mum is raving and dad is too apologetic."

"Have your parents ever had counseling?" he is now flipping through muted channels on the television, "Or shock therapy for your mum?"

Laugh lightly as Mark smiles at me.

"She had no mother, you know?" I say v. matter-of-factly, "And her father hardly paid attention to her. She is v. needy."

"Here we are." He says as he lays the remote on the couch, "Let's see if my interview is up yet."

Think may see mum and dad fighting in street. Local news reporters looking mildly terrified by mum's manic look. Can just see dad holding a long stick in front of him as if to ward off a hungry, crazed lion.

Do not see this. Instead, see something worse…ME!

"Oh God!" say as squeeze Darcy's knee, "Richard swore he would never air this!"

Mark grabs remote and turns up the volume as if he is v. interested in seeing this.

Dial Richard as begin to hyperventilate.

Mark plays with picture brightness as interview begins, his other hand lingering to my neck. Lovely neck massage as slowly I am falling into heart failure.

On television:

Me. Bikini. Sausage shop. I think you get the picture.

"This is Bridget Jones for Sit Up Britain bringing you lunch from Algori's Sausage Shop." Me on TV absent-mindedly picking bikini out of bottom. Of course, cameraman zoomed in on this shot.

Richard answers, "Yes."

"How could you Richard?" am mortified as cameraman focuses up close on puffy breasts, then almost double chin of face, and finally over to shop owner, "you said this was never going to show on TV."

"Sorry Bridget, but I had to do a filler piece for the station. You shouldn't mind. You look great."

Mark reaches up and takes the phone from my hands as I slump into his couch, "This is Mark Darcy." Mark says as he turns the interview down, but not off as I would have hoped, "Did you in fact tell Miss Jones that this interview would not be released?"

Silence, then…

"I understand that, but a promise is a promise. I don't think you want me suing you." Mark pats my leg as I see camera now on my ass and then my cellulite, "It wouldn't be very pretty for you or your little television station."

Silence, then…

"I think she deserves an apology and a raise."

Mark hands phone back to me.

Richard v. apologetic and scared Darcy may sue.

"I don't think he will sue." I say as Mark glances at me. He seems rather engrossed in my interview.

"So you will be in on Monday?" asks Richard.

"Yes." I hang up.

"Thank you." Tell Mark as he squeezes my leg. Feel myself flush a bit from his touch.

"No problem." He says lightly, now changing channels again, "Are you hungry?" he asks.

"Well," I say as get up, "I bought some…"

"I mean," he says, pulling me by waist back to him and the couch, "Going out hungry?"

Turn quickly and fall right onto him almost kneeing his crotch.

He smiles lightly, moving his hands up my thighs, "That was close." He says as he tightens his grip on my thighs, pulling me to his chest.

"Yes." I say, a bit distracted by his hands and his lips. Do not think he will loosen that grip anytime soon.

Trying desperately to remember if put on sexy panties this morning or just junkie, ripped panties.

Mark slides his warm hands higher as his mouth covers mine.

Up higher till I feel them pulling at my panties.

Then, abruptly, warm mouth and hands pulling away.

"What is this?" he asks. Must remember that Mark probably has never had a girlfriend who can't afford to buy underwear all the time.

Really have never thrown away a pair of underwear until I were unable to wear them.

Unablewear would be the name for my undies.

Mark pushes me up on his thighs, raising my skirt, "They're ripped all over." He says as he lifts them away from skin, "How can you wear something like this?"

"Well…" say as pull skirt back down, "just haven't had time to get new ones."

"I can say," he smiles lightly, now rubbing my thighs, "I have never been with a woman who wears ripped undergarments."

"Well," I say, "think of it as an adventure."

"Yes." He says as he pulls be back to him, his lips and tongue against my own, "An adventure."

**6:00 pm** At restaurant with Mark. Am v. hungry, but notice, as am poor, the prices of steak.

Good God and Gah…

Notice Mark grinning at me as I survey the menu with manic look on face.

"What may I get the two of you tonight?" says waiter.

Mark reaches over and takes my menu. He orders fish for the both of us and a bottle of wine.

"Yes Mr. Darcy." Says waiter. Do wonder if everyone knows him as if some sort of grand celebrity.

"Mark," say rather softly over table, boobs squashed against the cold wood. Bottom feeling v. nice as Mark has bought me proper underwear, "did you see those prices?"

"As a matter of fact I didn't. It is my custom not to look at prices." He smiles lightly, "Of course I saw them Bridget." He squeezes my hand, "You really must stop worrying about spending my money."

"Alright." I say uneasily, "I suppose I can do that."

"Good." Mark says as kisses my hand.

**7:00 pm** Done with dinner.

Mark gesturing for the waiter to come over. Waiter does so, handing Mark the bill.

"Anything else sir?" says waiter as he eyes my puffy breasts.

Mark looks at me, "Are you done?"

Pat stomach, "Totally full."

Mark looks at waiter in stern Mark like way, "That will do it." He says as he fishes his card from his wallet.

Am adding bill up in head and then on napkin with cherry bright lipstick. Have no idea where lipstick came from. Maybe have magic purse. Maybe if reach far enough down can pull out million dollars and sanity.

Gah…

Mark just pulled napkin from my grip, "Why are you adding this up?" he rips up napkin and places in his coat pocket, "I'm hoping you did not get all your mother's lunacy."

"Only a bit." I say just as Mark grabs red lipstick from me to put in his coat pocket as well.

"You don't wear red lipstick." He says as waiter hands back his card, "Where on earth did you get that color?"

"Yes…well…I wear it for my other boyfriend." I say as put on coat, "And, really, it isn't that bad of a color."

"That's right." He stands, " I keep forgetting about him." He smiles, "I may have to have a go at him sometime."

Mark escorts me out of the building and into his car.

I sit back in seat and let the wine take effect.

Feel wonderful. Safe. Cozy.

Gah…

Mark in car, but not starting car. See that he is just sitting.

Alarm bells going off.

"I don't think this is going to work." He says softly.

Hear this, but not really. Think am slipping down rabbit hole again. Maybe wine is making me hallucinate.

"Do you?" he asks now as turns to me.

Feel heart, as if whole insides are buttered, slipping down into feet, "What?"

"I mean," he says as he pulls down expensive sunglasses, his hands toying with them for a second, "the money issue." He taps sunglasses as if to make point that I could never afford such money grabbing merchandise.

Am starting to knot up inside. Maybe will look like pretzel before he is finished.

"And," he puts the sunglasses back up in the visor, his hands now dropping to his lap, his eyes staring out into the darkness of the parking lot, "your mum isn't all there and your dad, well, he seems to be absorbing your mums lunacy."

Am totally blacking out. Have gone numb.

"The pig," he suddenly says, now looking at me as if to make a point, "I mean," he clears his throat, "You actually live with a pig."

"Yes." I say. Feel defeated. May throw up.

"Look in the glove box please." He says. His hand reaching up to turn on the inside light, "There is something in there you need and then we can go."

"Mark," I say softly as hold back crying like lunatic.

He squeezes my hand, "I didn't want it to be like this. Please Bridget, open the glove box."

Clear throat and with shaking hands, open the glove box.

I pick up a small book lying on top of a bunch of papers. The title looks worn off. Can't read it. Wonder if it is titled, 'What to expect when your boyfriend is breaking it off with you'.

Can imagine…

Chapter 1 Tears

Chapter 2 Insanity

Chapter 3 Institution

"Open it." He says softly.

Find myself taking in his smell as I open the book slowly.

Then almost pass out.

"For me?" question Mark as he reaches over and quickly closes the book.

"No." he teases as he reopens the book, "My other girlfriend."

Watch as Mark takes ring out of book carefully, a small smile on his lips, "Hold out your hand."

Of course, as in dumb Bridget fashion, hold out wrong hand.

Mark grins wider, "Your left hand."

Hold out and watch big glittery ring slide onto finger. Really can't take eyes off of it.

"You like it?" he asks now as he starts the car.

Wonder for a moment if could get sunburn from the brightness.

"It's beautiful Mark." I say, finally looking into his eyes. He smiles softly as we both lean in to kiss.

He smells so good. Clean with just a little scratchiness to his face. Feel his warm tongue against my own as slide my hand into his hair.

He pulls away, smiling, "I'm glad you like it."

Pull out of parking lot in dizzy haze of giddiness.

"Now you can start planning the wedding." Mark says as he turns the heat up a bit, "No expense spared of course."

Gah...

Giddiness just turned into frightning wedding daydream disaster!!!

"Bridget." Mark says as stop at light.

"In rabbit hole." say quickly.

Mark smiles lightly, "Yes Bridget," he takes my hand and kisses it with tight lips, "I have always dreamed of a wedding in a rabbit hole."

Cannot believe I said that out loud.

Hand still in Mark's as we drive home.

Hmmm...

Maybe wonderland has wedding planners. Must check with rabbit.


End file.
